Here Endth National Emo Week
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So having left the house and wandered down the street to Nate’s stoop. 5 cigarettes, a chat with my bestie and a pair of Grandpa Slippers later, things have fallen into perspective….
I’ve been a miserable cow all week and I thought it was simply because of what had (or more appropriately hadn’t) been happening in my love life….
Long story short, I never thought I’d having feelings for someone so soon after my last relationship….and its pretty rare to stumble across genuinely beautiful, amazing people you feel you could fall for….knowing how rare it is, it’s a bit of a kick in the teeth to start to open up to someone, only to get rejected… truth be told, I’m guilty of treading on one or two hearts myself so this is probably some long overdue karma.
I felt like a failure and a bit lost……something has been missing inside of me for awhile now and as much as I’ve tried to fill the void with boys, booze and ridiculous work benders (try 38hrs at the day job and 7 Dj gigs in the space of one week on an average of about 4hrs sleep per night) its simply made me feel more and more empty…..
But I’ve realized what it is……I miss my creativity. I miss art. I miss making beautiful things and working on projects for the sake of artistic fulfillment……
I’ve moved home so many times the last couple of months that all my sewing machines, fabric, art bits and bobs and all my jewellery stuff have pretty much lived in storage (and are currently rotting in the garage of the last house I was staying at until I can afford a removalist). I haven’t had a space to call my own that I feel comfortable to relax and be creative in until just recently. In terms of music, I’d neglected the sound I was actually passionate about in order to make money with all the easy RnB gigs that were being offered to me, and whilst I’d been successful in landing club work, in actual fact, deep down, I felt like a failure because I wasn’t following my heart….. and in terms of relationships, I realized that the most important relationship in my life is with myself and my creativity, and when I’m not true to it I become a ratty mess that no one else is going to want to deal with anyway.
So here’s to a new outlook and some exciting change……
I’m foregoing all the random crap I generally waste my money on this week and booking Man With A Van to bring all of my studio equipment and the rest of my stuff to my new home.
I’d been pondering it for awhile but I’m ready to start storyboarding for a new wearable art collection….the fact I’ve had stockists asking me about this for months but never got around to it because I was too busy hating my evenings playing Akon in shit rnb clubs is disgusting….
On Sat I quit my last remaining Rnb gig……my schedule is now free to concentrate on the bookings I actually care about. Yes I’ll miss the money but god it feels like such a weight off my chest
Scott and I have decided to start our own night…..2 step and uk garage. I very much doubt we’ll make any money out of it but its something we’re both passionate about and it will be a great way to catch up with our friends on a regular basis. I’ve also got a new Sat night launching which is a world music/instrumental/chilled house/experimental lounge evening kicking off which we’re looking at combining with a strong exotic/artistic visual presence.
I guess it’s simply time to get back to the real me…….the kooky, creative kid who always liked to paint whilst listening to BBC audio stories. If these women can make a success by being true to themselves and their art, then I can too…
I’m off for an early night and a date with my sketchbook xx
I’ve been a miserable cow all week and I thought it was simply because of what had (or more appropriately hadn’t) been happening in my love life….
Long story short, I never thought I’d having feelings for someone so soon after my last relationship….and its pretty rare to stumble across genuinely beautiful, amazing people you feel you could fall for….knowing how rare it is, it’s a bit of a kick in the teeth to start to open up to someone, only to get rejected… truth be told, I’m guilty of treading on one or two hearts myself so this is probably some long overdue karma.
I felt like a failure and a bit lost……something has been missing inside of me for awhile now and as much as I’ve tried to fill the void with boys, booze and ridiculous work benders (try 38hrs at the day job and 7 Dj gigs in the space of one week on an average of about 4hrs sleep per night) its simply made me feel more and more empty…..
But I’ve realized what it is……I miss my creativity. I miss art. I miss making beautiful things and working on projects for the sake of artistic fulfillment……
I’ve moved home so many times the last couple of months that all my sewing machines, fabric, art bits and bobs and all my jewellery stuff have pretty much lived in storage (and are currently rotting in the garage of the last house I was staying at until I can afford a removalist). I haven’t had a space to call my own that I feel comfortable to relax and be creative in until just recently. In terms of music, I’d neglected the sound I was actually passionate about in order to make money with all the easy RnB gigs that were being offered to me, and whilst I’d been successful in landing club work, in actual fact, deep down, I felt like a failure because I wasn’t following my heart….. and in terms of relationships, I realized that the most important relationship in my life is with myself and my creativity, and when I’m not true to it I become a ratty mess that no one else is going to want to deal with anyway.
So here’s to a new outlook and some exciting change……
I’m foregoing all the random crap I generally waste my money on this week and booking Man With A Van to bring all of my studio equipment and the rest of my stuff to my new home.
I’d been pondering it for awhile but I’m ready to start storyboarding for a new wearable art collection….the fact I’ve had stockists asking me about this for months but never got around to it because I was too busy hating my evenings playing Akon in shit rnb clubs is disgusting….
On Sat I quit my last remaining Rnb gig……my schedule is now free to concentrate on the bookings I actually care about. Yes I’ll miss the money but god it feels like such a weight off my chest
Scott and I have decided to start our own night…..2 step and uk garage. I very much doubt we’ll make any money out of it but its something we’re both passionate about and it will be a great way to catch up with our friends on a regular basis. I’ve also got a new Sat night launching which is a world music/instrumental/chilled house/experimental lounge evening kicking off which we’re looking at combining with a strong exotic/artistic visual presence.
I guess it’s simply time to get back to the real me…….the kooky, creative kid who always liked to paint whilst listening to BBC audio stories. If these women can make a success by being true to themselves and their art, then I can too…
I’m off for an early night and a date with my sketchbook xx
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